Ask and you Shall receive

January ended with... oh, you know the pun is unavoidable.. a bang ;) I went to a play party which was miles beyond anything I'd gone to before, eye opening and amazing. I saw some things that intimidated and scared me a bit, and I saw some thing that left me wanting. Several offers were made, most of them earlier in the night before I was comfortable enough to consider them. I needed time to breathe, acclimate. I went to the party intending not to play, and to go home to my own empty bed. To this end, I even made a point of not shaving my legs so that I wouldn't be tempted.

Why I actually thought that I could get through an event like that, with the things I knew I would see, without wanting to find someone to play with I'm not entirely sure. Luckily, a few weeks before the party I'd been to a Munch and met a bunch of the TNG members. I have this thing about not wanting to hook up with someone I've just met, though I occasionally slip I try to keep to it. Which makes the Munch relevant because I'd already noticed a couple of guys that looked like they might be fun to play with. One of them is in a monogamous relationship with an adorable lady.

The other, however, was present at the party and flirty. It was much preferred, after the blatant propositions that I'd felt a bit overwhelmed by earlier in the night, having someone take the time to flirt a bit before making suggestions. Well *smiles* a few suggestions were made but more in a teasing way that clearly didn't come with immediate expectations. People who noticed were very helpful in suggesting I should go home with him, which made it all the more amusing. No subtlety allowed here!

Toward the end of the night I was leaning against him as we talked about various random things, some about interests and flirtation, some about the usual getting to know each other type things. He commented about having a busy schedule with full time work and school, I decided to follow the unsubtle trend and tell him to let me know when he had time to fit me in. Later he opened an invisible planner and gave me a big smile "Oh look, my schedule just opened up!" I tossed a 'tell me yes or no' at my Roommate, who is a terrible conscience and encourages me to take the naughtier option every time. Course, I knew she would, and was just trying to get over a minor hangup about my fuzzy legs (Oh I whined about it, too... Damn stupid vanity).

Oddly enough, once he finally kissed me for the first time, I stopped caring about not having shaved!

As to the details, maybe I'll share them later. Lets just say that its confirmed that I truly am a pain slut, that I mark well even if it doesn't turn to bruises after all, and there is a point where I am able to get past my shyness about vocalizing and ask to be fucked. Also, I am capable of being quite noisy, though I'll still never be a screamer.

I will have to say that for an occasional thing, sharing a twin bed is fantastic. First of all, there's the thing where I can straddle him and the bed, with my feet on the floor... Better though, the constant awareness that comes from being that close. Delicious hours of teasing and dozing "No I'm not going to fuck you yet, go back to sleep" had me so wound up that I literally just needed to feel him inside me, then I was done and ready for another nap.

Sometimes I adore the strange way my brain works. Hours of play and orgasms, but I still need the feel of the cock to actually be content and satisfied with the experience. Orgasm denial doesn't appeal to me, because its counter productive. It is difficult for me to get off as it is, so getting me almost to that point and not letting me have it.. that just makes it so that I'm no longer able to cum no matter what you do or how much I'm enjoying myself. The better way to torture me is to give them to me during foreplay, oral, fingers, whatever.. Maybe even several... because each one has me even more keyed up and needy. Get me to the point of begging to be fucked, and say no. I'll call you a bastard, swear that I hate you, but the little emotional masochist that lives beside the pain slut in my heart... will be purring and pining for the next opportunity to play with you.

Speaking of which. I was informed earlier tonight via text message that I won't be coming home from this weekend's party thing, he'll be returning me the next evening. So I have high hopes of more stories to share in the near future ;)

Now?

Haven't heard from that boy since he made his offer, huh... Surprise? Guess not. No point in waiting until Valentines, but I suppose there's an off chance he may pop up again. No breath holding, tired of emo stupidity. Fuck it.

Had a brief potential maybe, but... Hell, I don't even know. The guy went out of town for 2 weeks, got pissy I didn't text him while he was gone, even though I did and emailed once... Then? Told me he's selling his car so won't have transport or be able to see me again anyway. Why get pissy at me if... Ah fuckit, whatever.

Lots of flirtings across distance, but mostly with those who can't do anything about it or, even if willing, are too far away.

On the upside, I'm going to a bdsm play party at the end of the month! Mostly plan to just watch, but it should be interesting. The roommates and I went to a munch, met a bunch of the local younger folk (TNG are awesome, I've been bitchy for YEARS about how the creepy old dudes hit on me and I can't find anyone close to my own age... nobody bothered to mention before now.) Didn't see any immediate potential, nobody that really made me go "OOO yes please" but who knows.

It would be awesome to start having a sex life worth writing about. As is, I'm jealous of my fictional characters because they're getting way better than I'm likely to anytime soon. Or ever. I've been given permission to edit and post some of the logs, and may do that soon, because... Dear gods I'm jealous of this nonexistent person getting delicious things that I have no chance of finding IRL.

Even better, its inspiring me to want to start writing again. Every so often the idea of being paid to write smut dances through my head, or put together a book of erotic stories and see if any editor types will take it... Hmmmmm... I suppose posting them to the internet is counterproductive, isn't it?

Oh another note. I've moved yet again. Oklahoma. Good roommates. Soon as I get a job everything will be awesome.

Cross your fingers for me kids... cause once I have a job, money, stable place (for once!!!) I'll be able to explore more options as I'll have money to go out and do things and meet more people.

So. Until I have a sex life worth sharing, I'll see about writing some smut or sharing those roleplay logs.

Until then, if you're getting what I'm not FUCKING ENJOY IT!

;)

And again...

This is an endless loop, He drives me batty... A few weeks ago he popped back up again, saying he still wanted me, saying he was getting his own place soon and wanted me to come be with him when that happens... One day of good conversation, reassurance, new dreams.. Then, of course, he goes silent again. No response to IM's, one text message reply, thats it.

What the hell is it about this particular guy that makes me cling to the idea of him, even when 99% of me is positive that it will never happen? Why is that 1% so strong that I can't help but hope every day that he'll come back again, say that he's ready...

Meanwhile, I've moved yet again. New place, I'm the new face, the shiny new thing that so many want to know.

The 99% hopes that I'll find someone new here, someone to distract me from the pipe dream and be what I need... The 1% is still, of course, strong enough that I'm hoping. A new deadline, if nothing by Valentines, then I will walk away from the idea. Try, anyway.

Course, being the emotional masochist that I am... if he appears in another 6 months my heart will do flips and I'll start hoping again.

But most days, damn I wish I could stop talking/writing/thinking/wanting him.

Dwelling, for a moment

I both love and hate sex. Crave it and want nothing to do with it. I pine for physical contact, someone to curl up and snuggle with, but don't see a point in trying when in the end they won't want to keep me. I'm the Ms Right Now, the one that fills the time between now and when someone comes along that they actually want to be with. Whats the point in setting myself up for that heartbreak over and over?

Still no visit from the one who said so many beautiful things about wanting to be with me, building pipe dreams... He doesn't even talk to me anymore, I moved his name on my IM into a list that I keep closed, so I won't see that he's on and not talking to me. I used to save all of his text messages where he would say he missed me or loved me... Finally deleted them all, his pictures, even his number so I wouldn't be tempted to call or text. Considering how long it'd been since he'd responded to my messages, I doubt he'll even notice I've gone away. His facebook status changed to being in a relationship, he claimed it was an accident but hasn't changed it back. I can't bring myself to remove him, though. Just because he's so obviously lost interest doesn't mean we can't maybe eventually be friends again... I tell myself lies, see, make excuses to keep just a tiny sliver of hope... and I hate myself for being so pathetic.

Moving on, I refuse to wait for someone who won't even give me the time of day... so I look at other options, nothing feels right. It all falls apart.

There was one I spent time with, a friend who for over a year was telling me he missed me, cared about me, wanted to see me again. Married, but allowed to play... She showed up to surprise him and I ceased to exist. He hasn't spoken to me since. So much for that.

Another who, for fear of Drama, barely even looks at me when his female friend is around. Not a girlfriend, not an ex girlfriend, just a close friend who maybe wanted more at one point... so its a 'sneak around' scenario. When she's not in the room I exist, not otherwise. He lets the girl he "doesn't want" hug and kiss on him while rejecting the one he claims to want, where is this logic? I don't know how long I'll be okay with this, having to hide that there's even interest much less anything going on. I don't enjoy being anyone's dirty little secret. It makes me feel used.

There was one who showed a lot of interest, flirted, made comments... but backs off whenever I respond or show interest. I am not patient enough to play that game.

There's an adorable emo boy who likes me, but I would destroy him.

Others who pay attention when they want something but not otherwise, not worth my time. Again, it makes me feel used.

Having that ideal, thinking that I'd found someone... Put me in a headspace of wanting all that, commitment, relationship... Having it taken away again and I'm drifting, lost, and lonely as hell. Nothing that is within my grasp is what I want, everything feels empty.

This is me being angsty and emo. Fuck it.

Maybe its time to try being celibate for a while and see if that'll clear my head... but the idea makes me wonder if thats me secretly trying to wait for him, just in case he comes back... and I go back to feeling pathetic for missing him so damn much.

There is no winning here, no solution. Makes me feel helpless and hopeless and full of self-loathing.

Welcome to November, the month when my life always decides to fall apart for some reason, when I go a little crazy. When I'm the most lonely.

Well

3 months, still no visit. Worse, every time I offer an opportunity which would make it easier, more convenient, even cheaper... still doesn't happen. I've had the chance several times to travel to him, and he still blew it off... so. Space.

I'll do my thing, and if he decides to come then we'll see what happens from there. Otherwise? I despise the fact that I've allowed myself to put things on hold for this long. I could die of sexual frustration, heh... Maybe thats not possible, but still. I've turned down some offers, and am now in a situation where I have very few options left.

More than anything I'm craving contact... kisses... not necessarily more, though I wouldn't say no to some general cuddling and such. I'm starved for physical affection, let alone sex...

If it happens, if he comes back, okay. Otherwise? Life is still here to be lived. I did that without him before we started talking, don't see a reason to change that now.

Knowing me, I'll... pretend not to wait a bit longer, but at the same time see what I can do about keeping my options open.

I've been doing what I need to be doing to get things going in the direction that they seemed to be headed. The next step is being in the same place and seeing what follows naturally over the course of that visit. He's the one preventing it, not me... so its in his hands at this point.

I'm done with stressing, being miserable and lonely for the idea of a person who turns down or backs out of every opportunity to actually take that step. Maybe it was never more than just a game for him...

But if it doesn't happen? I can still hold onto that idea, because for a while it kept me warm and the butterflies danced whenever I thought of him being that person.


You could've been the real one
You could've been the one enough for me
You could've been the free one
(the broken down and sick one)
Remnant of a vacant life
Seether - FMLYHM


Still could be, but I'm not holding my breath. I feel relatively sane again.

Just Breathe

So I had a couple of days of insanity then scared myself into looking back and remembering that I needed to just take a moment to breathe.

I wanted to rush in and claim Him before anyone else could, before I could lose what I'd already begun to build up dreams about.

Then I realized... if someone is able to step in before things develop naturally to that point then it wasn't meant to be, right?

Calm is re-established.

Do I still Want? Fuck yes. I still fall asleep imagining how it would feel to do that curled up with his arms wrapped around me, to wake up with his voice murmuring in my ear, to feel his hands on me...

I really want to go and just sit on the beach at night, leaning against him, watching the stars and the waves without even necessarily having to talk.

I wanna walk through public places at his side and have people turn to admire the picture we make, because they Will... and they will Want.. and they can't have it.

But... I can breathe again. There's a fire, there's desire, but it isn't consuming me. Probably will the moment he's finally here, when he touches me the first time, I'll be lost again... But that I am completely okay with. It'll be a nice break from reality, getting lost in him...

It will happen, with time, patience... If its meant, it will.

I willingly made the suggestion to wait on a visit. My birthday is in a month, that gives more time to plan, to not be stressed about money, to spend a few days with the door locked and the world trapped outside.

It will be worth it, I have confidence in him. In myself, too.

Rushing can intensify the first moments of passion, but it can tends to skip past the things that make it more likely to actually last.

Wanting

I Want Him.

Touch, hands and lips moving over my skin slowly, exploring, memorizing, learning me. Whispers and murmurs that will later only be half remembered as an enhancement. The taste of salty skin on my tongue, of precum, of cum... but most of all the slight nicotine taste of his mouth as he kisses me. I want to smell the sweat and fluids as our bodies simmer deliciously higher as passion rises. I want to watch his eyes, see if they widen as he comes closer to that moment, or if they drift closed as he focuses on the pure sensation of it.

Most of all I want to feel that moment when he slides into me for the first time, slowly just in case its too much... a delicious inch by inch invasive claiming. Mine. Mine. Mine...

One more week. This time seven days from now he should be here, laying next to me in a hotel room, hopefully collapsed from mutual exhaustion as we lay back on the bed too tired to even reach for a drink of water for the all important re-hydration and next-go-round.

If he changes his mind about coming next weekend, I will walk away. I want him too badly to allow games to be played. In the short time we have been talking ourselves through the night and into sunrise, I've become attached to his voice, the way he talks to me, the things he says, the picture he paints for a potential future. I want it. But if he doesn't come, I will have to tell myself it was just a headgame and let it go.

It scares me a bit how badly I want him. Not just because its been a while since I've had something worth truly having. Not just because he offers so much potential for a future. Not even because he can make me squirm by murmuring of how he will taunt and tease me with our shared kinks. (Oh god, he likes knives.. at least as much as I do.. PLEASE let me at least have that before it goes away, if its not meant to last.)

I want to feel his lips brushing my ear as he whispers to me. Want to feel his hands move my hair aside as he rests them on my shoulders. I want to feel his body against me. Want to feel the rumble of his chest as he laughs next to me in darkness. Want to wake up with his hands on me. Want to curl up safe and warm beside him.

I want him to write a song for me, something drenched in passion that will arouse anyone who hears it or reads the lyrics.

I want it all, not just the sex (but yes please, that too) all of it. Him. I want to be completely uncautious and dive into him head first with no worries about how long it might last. I want to ignore everything I've ever said about people jumping into relationships with someone they met on the internet... while also telling myself that we sort of met once several years ago through a mutual friend. That way I can justify it to those friends I have mocked or bullied into being careful about someone they fell for online.

I tell myself its different because his best friend is a man that I love and trust with all my heart, and HE says that we should go for it.

If it were a viable option, I would pack up all my things and go home with him when he visits. Now, without waiting, without being smart. No taking time to save up money so I have a stash just in case I have to run again. No taking time to try and reassure myself that he isn't going to be crazy or a bastard. Nothing, just pack up and go knowing that I would be in his bed every night. Be with him.

I can't hold myself back, pretend not to want, not to feel. I willingly admitted (though in part I blame the honey mead I was drinking the night of those text messages) that I was falling and since then... I can't stop thinking, wishing, hoping, dreaming. Its a line that I never let myself cross, no promises before a certain point. Until then I had refused to even say that I wanted anything but the sex, though he teased me about knowing that I wanted so much more. Even though he insisted that he was falling, I couldn't say it, not allowed. Then I did and now my thoughts won't stop spinning round and round the idea of having him. Mine.

I tried to hold back, tried. Even went to friends who had reason to dislike him and asked them about him... but none of their stories phased me. Because even though some were bad, he was up front about them all. Nobody has been able to tell me anything that he wasn't open about, or wasn't willing to discuss when I asked him later. It only makes me want him more.

Its insane, illogical, possibly even stupid.

But I want it.

He could destroy me by taking that all away, or by not being the person he presents himself as. Has too much of me already. I feel connected, something that never happens because I don't know HOW to connect to people.

I'm spun into knots inside my head. Craving, Wanting, Needing, fearing... I feel pathetic for being so hung up on someone I've never been face to face with... but at the same time, can't help it. I've been in this place before, exactly this place, except with men I already knew in person and wanted to be with.

I don't want to sleep because he hasn't called to say goodnight.