Thoughts

I discovered the trick to feigning confidence, it involved wearing a thong to my job interview. Not something I do often, but it led to my being aware of the difference in the way clothing felt against my skin that day. Not to mention the quirk of a smile that just wouldn't go away as I kept thinking about my little secret.

I got the job, by the way. Start in a couple more weeks, and I can't wait to actually be part of the working world again, to be my own person. Life is good, and getting better.

The relationship thing still exists, confusing me at times... Its a relationship where love and romance aren't an option, and should I get to a point of wanting those things it will mean saying goodbye to Him and looking for someone who wants that in their life. Most of the time I just focus on enjoying the here and now, the new experiences, and quality time spent with a wonderful guy. Its exciting, having my first Dom, getting involved with the Community, meeting people who are willing to sit with me and discuss the why's and whatnot's of their particular interest.

I am fascinated and enthralled by it all. I am happy.

Yet... In order to stave off that eventual moment where I will begin to find myself dissatisfied with the agreement, where I will wish that I could break the rules. I cannot allow even the slightest spark of hope that He might change His mind about love being an option, and so as a constant reminder of where things stand and what the realities are I have to keep a part of myself away from him. If I give everything, there will be nothing to remind me of what I agreed to and what is allowed, until I bring it all tumbling down around my head. I know me. Eventually I will need those things, become resentful and bitter at not being good enough or not being worthy of more. If I do not keep a part of me to myself then it will end badly. Horribly. Disastrously.

So I do not fully submit, cannot.. and at times do doubt whether that means I'm defeating the purpose of being with him even for what limited time is allowed.

I have played this particular game before, more than once, and always been on the losing end. Whether that means having to walk away once I start to feel that I might be falling... or more often I end up helping fix them... I help restore their confidence and they find themselves ready to look around for a girl to be in a relationship with. Someone new, of course, never me. Never. It is devastating, and yet every time an opportunity like this comes up again I still take the chance.

The idea of being hurt doesn't bother me particularly, I walked in with my eyes open and agreed to these terms. Someone told me once that this was proof that I have little or no sense of self worth but I disagree. I believe in living life for what it brings you, taking both joy and sorrow as they come, and enjoying the good times as long as they last so that when they come to an end you can look back and smile. It is only when it ends miserably that the good times become a thing to regret; in my opinion so long as you walk away mutually and without unnecessary drama it was worth it.

Then again, I'm an emotional masochist. I cannot let myself go as far as loving someone who will never feel that way for me, but I do get a strange sort of satisfaction out of knowing that this is limited, even in a sense of futility.. Bah.

For now, it is good, it makes me happy. When that stops, it'll be time to say goodbye. I just can't let myself forget the rules. Sometimes hope is nothing but a cruel joke.

Crippling Insecurities

There are moments when I fully doubt that this Lifestyle is the right place for me and whether I truly belong. Moments of insecurity as I struggle to understand what is expected of me, how I should serve, what makes me an actual sub instead of just some stupid girl playing a foolish game with herself. I rage at the idea of my Limits being pushed, feeling it some sort of ridiculously egotistical exercise designed to denigrate. This game will break me, wound my spirit, shatter my heart… There beneath the layers of insecurity and confusion still lies the seed of a thing which brought me to this point. The desire to indulge those impulses and follow those many paths of potential which radiate outward from a hungry pulse of curiosity.

While I do rage and despise the idea of giving myself to someone who would wish to take myself away from me, I have this irresistible craving. I must find Him, that one to whom I would willingly and happily give away these things, because for Him I would do and give anything. How can I seethe at the masses while also seeking out one among them who might be able to draw me out of myself? It makes no sense, but it feels right. Confusing, bewildering, illogical, but there is a resonance that tells me it is true in spite of those other truths.

The insecurity eats at me, battling with the ever present and consuming need to do what is desired of me, to please. A silent internal war waging heart against spirit in continuous conflict over which will gain supremacy, which will guide my thought and action as the adventure continues? It is exhausting, and some days I don’t even know whether I should continue. That part of me which has always cut and run before things could get too intense, before the heart could engage and risk pain, before I could become invested enough in a thing to risk failure (because nothing is more devastating than failing at something that matters so damn much)… A presence in the back of my mind saying perhaps I should turn away, go back to that other life before its too late.

Of course it is too late already. I struggled against these darker fantasies, thinking not that there was something wrong with me for wanting to be hurt, to be controlled, to serve… but thinking that there was something wrong with me for not being able to succeed in my relationships, for not being satisfied by what was within my grasp. It was a life that made me miserable and kept me lonely.

So. I continue. Content myself with what I am given as I absorb each new experience, explore each new opportunity, and wait to see what might come. One day I might find that perfect combination of things, realization to fantasies, the One who can find ways to satisfy the insatiable restlessness within me. Perhaps when I’ve become comfortable within myself and this role, learned how to be it instead of feeling I am playing at it. There is a fault line within me that requires a measure of misery to temper happiness into manageable contentment. Someday it will be healed and then I’ll be worthy, the fantasy can then be realized. Perhaps.

For now it is to live, to learn, to experience, to grow… to Become.

Enjoy it While it Lasts

Things progress, February has been a good month. For Valentines? I got a Dom. *grin*

There's a lot else I could say about things tried and secret thoughts about the whole situation but for now I'm content to simply bask and experience. Let someday linger in the distant future, I'm here for Today and fuck the consequences.

Ask and you Shall receive

January ended with... oh, you know the pun is unavoidable.. a bang ;) I went to a play party which was miles beyond anything I'd gone to before, eye opening and amazing. I saw some things that intimidated and scared me a bit, and I saw some thing that left me wanting. Several offers were made, most of them earlier in the night before I was comfortable enough to consider them. I needed time to breathe, acclimate. I went to the party intending not to play, and to go home to my own empty bed. To this end, I even made a point of not shaving my legs so that I wouldn't be tempted.

Why I actually thought that I could get through an event like that, with the things I knew I would see, without wanting to find someone to play with I'm not entirely sure. Luckily, a few weeks before the party I'd been to a Munch and met a bunch of the TNG members. I have this thing about not wanting to hook up with someone I've just met, though I occasionally slip I try to keep to it. Which makes the Munch relevant because I'd already noticed a couple of guys that looked like they might be fun to play with. One of them is in a monogamous relationship with an adorable lady.

The other, however, was present at the party and flirty. It was much preferred, after the blatant propositions that I'd felt a bit overwhelmed by earlier in the night, having someone take the time to flirt a bit before making suggestions. Well *smiles* a few suggestions were made but more in a teasing way that clearly didn't come with immediate expectations. People who noticed were very helpful in suggesting I should go home with him, which made it all the more amusing. No subtlety allowed here!

Toward the end of the night I was leaning against him as we talked about various random things, some about interests and flirtation, some about the usual getting to know each other type things. He commented about having a busy schedule with full time work and school, I decided to follow the unsubtle trend and tell him to let me know when he had time to fit me in. Later he opened an invisible planner and gave me a big smile "Oh look, my schedule just opened up!" I tossed a 'tell me yes or no' at my Roommate, who is a terrible conscience and encourages me to take the naughtier option every time. Course, I knew she would, and was just trying to get over a minor hangup about my fuzzy legs (Oh I whined about it, too... Damn stupid vanity).

Oddly enough, once he finally kissed me for the first time, I stopped caring about not having shaved!

As to the details, maybe I'll share them later. Lets just say that its confirmed that I truly am a pain slut, that I mark well even if it doesn't turn to bruises after all, and there is a point where I am able to get past my shyness about vocalizing and ask to be fucked. Also, I am capable of being quite noisy, though I'll still never be a screamer.

I will have to say that for an occasional thing, sharing a twin bed is fantastic. First of all, there's the thing where I can straddle him and the bed, with my feet on the floor... Better though, the constant awareness that comes from being that close. Delicious hours of teasing and dozing "No I'm not going to fuck you yet, go back to sleep" had me so wound up that I literally just needed to feel him inside me, then I was done and ready for another nap.

Sometimes I adore the strange way my brain works. Hours of play and orgasms, but I still need the feel of the cock to actually be content and satisfied with the experience. Orgasm denial doesn't appeal to me, because its counter productive. It is difficult for me to get off as it is, so getting me almost to that point and not letting me have it.. that just makes it so that I'm no longer able to cum no matter what you do or how much I'm enjoying myself. The better way to torture me is to give them to me during foreplay, oral, fingers, whatever.. Maybe even several... because each one has me even more keyed up and needy. Get me to the point of begging to be fucked, and say no. I'll call you a bastard, swear that I hate you, but the little emotional masochist that lives beside the pain slut in my heart... will be purring and pining for the next opportunity to play with you.

Speaking of which. I was informed earlier tonight via text message that I won't be coming home from this weekend's party thing, he'll be returning me the next evening. So I have high hopes of more stories to share in the near future ;)

Now?

Haven't heard from that boy since he made his offer, huh... Surprise? Guess not. No point in waiting until Valentines, but I suppose there's an off chance he may pop up again. No breath holding, tired of emo stupidity. Fuck it.

Had a brief potential maybe, but... Hell, I don't even know. The guy went out of town for 2 weeks, got pissy I didn't text him while he was gone, even though I did and emailed once... Then? Told me he's selling his car so won't have transport or be able to see me again anyway. Why get pissy at me if... Ah fuckit, whatever.

Lots of flirtings across distance, but mostly with those who can't do anything about it or, even if willing, are too far away.

On the upside, I'm going to a bdsm play party at the end of the month! Mostly plan to just watch, but it should be interesting. The roommates and I went to a munch, met a bunch of the local younger folk (TNG are awesome, I've been bitchy for YEARS about how the creepy old dudes hit on me and I can't find anyone close to my own age... nobody bothered to mention before now.) Didn't see any immediate potential, nobody that really made me go "OOO yes please" but who knows.

It would be awesome to start having a sex life worth writing about. As is, I'm jealous of my fictional characters because they're getting way better than I'm likely to anytime soon. Or ever. I've been given permission to edit and post some of the logs, and may do that soon, because... Dear gods I'm jealous of this nonexistent person getting delicious things that I have no chance of finding IRL.

Even better, its inspiring me to want to start writing again. Every so often the idea of being paid to write smut dances through my head, or put together a book of erotic stories and see if any editor types will take it... Hmmmmm... I suppose posting them to the internet is counterproductive, isn't it?

Oh another note. I've moved yet again. Oklahoma. Good roommates. Soon as I get a job everything will be awesome.

Cross your fingers for me kids... cause once I have a job, money, stable place (for once!!!) I'll be able to explore more options as I'll have money to go out and do things and meet more people.

So. Until I have a sex life worth sharing, I'll see about writing some smut or sharing those roleplay logs.

Until then, if you're getting what I'm not FUCKING ENJOY IT!

;)

And again...

This is an endless loop, He drives me batty... A few weeks ago he popped back up again, saying he still wanted me, saying he was getting his own place soon and wanted me to come be with him when that happens... One day of good conversation, reassurance, new dreams.. Then, of course, he goes silent again. No response to IM's, one text message reply, thats it.

What the hell is it about this particular guy that makes me cling to the idea of him, even when 99% of me is positive that it will never happen? Why is that 1% so strong that I can't help but hope every day that he'll come back again, say that he's ready...

Meanwhile, I've moved yet again. New place, I'm the new face, the shiny new thing that so many want to know.

The 99% hopes that I'll find someone new here, someone to distract me from the pipe dream and be what I need... The 1% is still, of course, strong enough that I'm hoping. A new deadline, if nothing by Valentines, then I will walk away from the idea. Try, anyway.

Course, being the emotional masochist that I am... if he appears in another 6 months my heart will do flips and I'll start hoping again.

But most days, damn I wish I could stop talking/writing/thinking/wanting him.

Dwelling, for a moment

I both love and hate sex. Crave it and want nothing to do with it. I pine for physical contact, someone to curl up and snuggle with, but don't see a point in trying when in the end they won't want to keep me. I'm the Ms Right Now, the one that fills the time between now and when someone comes along that they actually want to be with. Whats the point in setting myself up for that heartbreak over and over?

Still no visit from the one who said so many beautiful things about wanting to be with me, building pipe dreams... He doesn't even talk to me anymore, I moved his name on my IM into a list that I keep closed, so I won't see that he's on and not talking to me. I used to save all of his text messages where he would say he missed me or loved me... Finally deleted them all, his pictures, even his number so I wouldn't be tempted to call or text. Considering how long it'd been since he'd responded to my messages, I doubt he'll even notice I've gone away. His facebook status changed to being in a relationship, he claimed it was an accident but hasn't changed it back. I can't bring myself to remove him, though. Just because he's so obviously lost interest doesn't mean we can't maybe eventually be friends again... I tell myself lies, see, make excuses to keep just a tiny sliver of hope... and I hate myself for being so pathetic.

Moving on, I refuse to wait for someone who won't even give me the time of day... so I look at other options, nothing feels right. It all falls apart.

There was one I spent time with, a friend who for over a year was telling me he missed me, cared about me, wanted to see me again. Married, but allowed to play... She showed up to surprise him and I ceased to exist. He hasn't spoken to me since. So much for that.

Another who, for fear of Drama, barely even looks at me when his female friend is around. Not a girlfriend, not an ex girlfriend, just a close friend who maybe wanted more at one point... so its a 'sneak around' scenario. When she's not in the room I exist, not otherwise. He lets the girl he "doesn't want" hug and kiss on him while rejecting the one he claims to want, where is this logic? I don't know how long I'll be okay with this, having to hide that there's even interest much less anything going on. I don't enjoy being anyone's dirty little secret. It makes me feel used.

There was one who showed a lot of interest, flirted, made comments... but backs off whenever I respond or show interest. I am not patient enough to play that game.

There's an adorable emo boy who likes me, but I would destroy him.

Others who pay attention when they want something but not otherwise, not worth my time. Again, it makes me feel used.

Having that ideal, thinking that I'd found someone... Put me in a headspace of wanting all that, commitment, relationship... Having it taken away again and I'm drifting, lost, and lonely as hell. Nothing that is within my grasp is what I want, everything feels empty.

This is me being angsty and emo. Fuck it.

Maybe its time to try being celibate for a while and see if that'll clear my head... but the idea makes me wonder if thats me secretly trying to wait for him, just in case he comes back... and I go back to feeling pathetic for missing him so damn much.

There is no winning here, no solution. Makes me feel helpless and hopeless and full of self-loathing.

Welcome to November, the month when my life always decides to fall apart for some reason, when I go a little crazy. When I'm the most lonely.