17 June, 2009
07 June, 2009
Coming of...
California is in my past now.
Of course, I thought that of Florida when I left last year, but here I am again.
Late 2006 I left the area where I'd spent most of my adult life, walked away from the friends I had known and loved... some in the biblical, some only in my mind, and some friends in name only.
I'm amused by the fact that I was considered a slut back then (I say back then as if it were a lifetime ago, but of course in many ways... it was). In fact, for the ten years that I was sexually active within that group, my total when I moved away was at an even 20. That averages out to about 2 a year, though its not so straightforward as that. Some years there were as many as 4, some there were none (or I was with the same person for the duration, doing my best to remain monogamous), and some there was a great deal of revisiting old flings. The best thing about staying friends with your exes and former lovers is the occasional opportunity to hook up again.
These were all people that I knew, most of them I had known for years before anything ever became physical. People within my social circles, and my friend groups were very incestuous... everyone was dating or sleeping with everyone else's ex's. Not all at once, of course, but still. I thought my love life was complicated, back then, because there were so many intersections in the proverbial flow chart.
Then I moved away, ran away rather, flew far and wide from the nest etc.
I don't know whether it was the bad ending of a long term relationship, the abrupt ending of an abusive relationship, or just being out in the world away from the people who had known me so long they've forgotten how to not be judgmental... but I found myself. Found my Confidence.
Re-awakened the inner Succubus and oh.. how very hungry she was. Is. This wide world is a buffet of unlimited potential. Consequence seems far less and the Drama that I worked (and usually failed) to avoid seems overall less.
Yet my most recent adventure since moving to Florida... He was #45.
Of course... He could have been #21 back near the beginning of my adventure, but he resisted the mutual attraction that I was so willing to give into... Pity. But then, at the time he wasn't available, so in the end perhaps it is for the best that it didn't happen.
I had a bit of a phase when I moved to Florida the first time. Another while I lived in California. Oops?
I'm not proud of the number, or some of the people that were added to the list, but at the same time I feel no guilt. Absolutely no shame whatsoever. I have, for the most part, enjoyed these experiences... and yes, I have been careful. Casual sex, for me, is still generally casual sex among friends. One night stands with strangers, well thats still something I prefer to leave out of my repertoire.
Overall... I have no regrets. Not proud of the way I treated some of them, even though I was up front about it being purely casual... The ones that I don't want to get attached, they always do. Of course by the reverse of the coin, the ones I actually want to want me, they never do get attached. Sometimes it leads to me feeling used, lonely, depressed but...
Its not that hard to walk away.
The beginning phase, the dance of attraction, the mutual seduction... new relationship energy... I find that addictive, but it fades too quickly. I have a 30 day attention span and it takes a lot for someone to survive that 30 days. I get bored, lose interest, find someone more shiny. Clever ones can keep my attention longer, but those are the ones who usually get bored of me.
Sometimes I think I'm searching for the person who can maintain the intensity and passion of a new lover, someone who can keep me interested, who can keep up with me... Perhaps a futile quest but I think a worthy one. How delicious it would be...
For now, I enjoy. Want. Take. Have. Its not a bad way of going about things.
So I am a slut, though I've always preferred harlot... And? It doesn't bring the world to an end.
I am a Succubus. No fear, no regret, no shame. I am what I am, I love as I do, I make no apology. Walk into this with eyes open and there is no harm.
Sometimes a broken heart is a price willingly paid in exchange for all that leads up to it.
Of course, I thought that of Florida when I left last year, but here I am again.
Late 2006 I left the area where I'd spent most of my adult life, walked away from the friends I had known and loved... some in the biblical, some only in my mind, and some friends in name only.
I'm amused by the fact that I was considered a slut back then (I say back then as if it were a lifetime ago, but of course in many ways... it was). In fact, for the ten years that I was sexually active within that group, my total when I moved away was at an even 20. That averages out to about 2 a year, though its not so straightforward as that. Some years there were as many as 4, some there were none (or I was with the same person for the duration, doing my best to remain monogamous), and some there was a great deal of revisiting old flings. The best thing about staying friends with your exes and former lovers is the occasional opportunity to hook up again.
These were all people that I knew, most of them I had known for years before anything ever became physical. People within my social circles, and my friend groups were very incestuous... everyone was dating or sleeping with everyone else's ex's. Not all at once, of course, but still. I thought my love life was complicated, back then, because there were so many intersections in the proverbial flow chart.
Then I moved away, ran away rather, flew far and wide from the nest etc.
I don't know whether it was the bad ending of a long term relationship, the abrupt ending of an abusive relationship, or just being out in the world away from the people who had known me so long they've forgotten how to not be judgmental... but I found myself. Found my Confidence.
Re-awakened the inner Succubus and oh.. how very hungry she was. Is. This wide world is a buffet of unlimited potential. Consequence seems far less and the Drama that I worked (and usually failed) to avoid seems overall less.
Yet my most recent adventure since moving to Florida... He was #45.
Of course... He could have been #21 back near the beginning of my adventure, but he resisted the mutual attraction that I was so willing to give into... Pity. But then, at the time he wasn't available, so in the end perhaps it is for the best that it didn't happen.
I had a bit of a phase when I moved to Florida the first time. Another while I lived in California. Oops?
I'm not proud of the number, or some of the people that were added to the list, but at the same time I feel no guilt. Absolutely no shame whatsoever. I have, for the most part, enjoyed these experiences... and yes, I have been careful. Casual sex, for me, is still generally casual sex among friends. One night stands with strangers, well thats still something I prefer to leave out of my repertoire.
Overall... I have no regrets. Not proud of the way I treated some of them, even though I was up front about it being purely casual... The ones that I don't want to get attached, they always do. Of course by the reverse of the coin, the ones I actually want to want me, they never do get attached. Sometimes it leads to me feeling used, lonely, depressed but...
Its not that hard to walk away.
The beginning phase, the dance of attraction, the mutual seduction... new relationship energy... I find that addictive, but it fades too quickly. I have a 30 day attention span and it takes a lot for someone to survive that 30 days. I get bored, lose interest, find someone more shiny. Clever ones can keep my attention longer, but those are the ones who usually get bored of me.
Sometimes I think I'm searching for the person who can maintain the intensity and passion of a new lover, someone who can keep me interested, who can keep up with me... Perhaps a futile quest but I think a worthy one. How delicious it would be...
For now, I enjoy. Want. Take. Have. Its not a bad way of going about things.
So I am a slut, though I've always preferred harlot... And? It doesn't bring the world to an end.
I am a Succubus. No fear, no regret, no shame. I am what I am, I love as I do, I make no apology. Walk into this with eyes open and there is no harm.
Sometimes a broken heart is a price willingly paid in exchange for all that leads up to it.
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