Thoughts

I discovered the trick to feigning confidence, it involved wearing a thong to my job interview. Not something I do often, but it led to my being aware of the difference in the way clothing felt against my skin that day. Not to mention the quirk of a smile that just wouldn't go away as I kept thinking about my little secret.

I got the job, by the way. Start in a couple more weeks, and I can't wait to actually be part of the working world again, to be my own person. Life is good, and getting better.

The relationship thing still exists, confusing me at times... Its a relationship where love and romance aren't an option, and should I get to a point of wanting those things it will mean saying goodbye to Him and looking for someone who wants that in their life. Most of the time I just focus on enjoying the here and now, the new experiences, and quality time spent with a wonderful guy. Its exciting, having my first Dom, getting involved with the Community, meeting people who are willing to sit with me and discuss the why's and whatnot's of their particular interest.

I am fascinated and enthralled by it all. I am happy.

Yet... In order to stave off that eventual moment where I will begin to find myself dissatisfied with the agreement, where I will wish that I could break the rules. I cannot allow even the slightest spark of hope that He might change His mind about love being an option, and so as a constant reminder of where things stand and what the realities are I have to keep a part of myself away from him. If I give everything, there will be nothing to remind me of what I agreed to and what is allowed, until I bring it all tumbling down around my head. I know me. Eventually I will need those things, become resentful and bitter at not being good enough or not being worthy of more. If I do not keep a part of me to myself then it will end badly. Horribly. Disastrously.

So I do not fully submit, cannot.. and at times do doubt whether that means I'm defeating the purpose of being with him even for what limited time is allowed.

I have played this particular game before, more than once, and always been on the losing end. Whether that means having to walk away once I start to feel that I might be falling... or more often I end up helping fix them... I help restore their confidence and they find themselves ready to look around for a girl to be in a relationship with. Someone new, of course, never me. Never. It is devastating, and yet every time an opportunity like this comes up again I still take the chance.

The idea of being hurt doesn't bother me particularly, I walked in with my eyes open and agreed to these terms. Someone told me once that this was proof that I have little or no sense of self worth but I disagree. I believe in living life for what it brings you, taking both joy and sorrow as they come, and enjoying the good times as long as they last so that when they come to an end you can look back and smile. It is only when it ends miserably that the good times become a thing to regret; in my opinion so long as you walk away mutually and without unnecessary drama it was worth it.

Then again, I'm an emotional masochist. I cannot let myself go as far as loving someone who will never feel that way for me, but I do get a strange sort of satisfaction out of knowing that this is limited, even in a sense of futility.. Bah.

For now, it is good, it makes me happy. When that stops, it'll be time to say goodbye. I just can't let myself forget the rules. Sometimes hope is nothing but a cruel joke.

Crippling Insecurities

There are moments when I fully doubt that this Lifestyle is the right place for me and whether I truly belong. Moments of insecurity as I struggle to understand what is expected of me, how I should serve, what makes me an actual sub instead of just some stupid girl playing a foolish game with herself. I rage at the idea of my Limits being pushed, feeling it some sort of ridiculously egotistical exercise designed to denigrate. This game will break me, wound my spirit, shatter my heart… There beneath the layers of insecurity and confusion still lies the seed of a thing which brought me to this point. The desire to indulge those impulses and follow those many paths of potential which radiate outward from a hungry pulse of curiosity.

While I do rage and despise the idea of giving myself to someone who would wish to take myself away from me, I have this irresistible craving. I must find Him, that one to whom I would willingly and happily give away these things, because for Him I would do and give anything. How can I seethe at the masses while also seeking out one among them who might be able to draw me out of myself? It makes no sense, but it feels right. Confusing, bewildering, illogical, but there is a resonance that tells me it is true in spite of those other truths.

The insecurity eats at me, battling with the ever present and consuming need to do what is desired of me, to please. A silent internal war waging heart against spirit in continuous conflict over which will gain supremacy, which will guide my thought and action as the adventure continues? It is exhausting, and some days I don’t even know whether I should continue. That part of me which has always cut and run before things could get too intense, before the heart could engage and risk pain, before I could become invested enough in a thing to risk failure (because nothing is more devastating than failing at something that matters so damn much)… A presence in the back of my mind saying perhaps I should turn away, go back to that other life before its too late.

Of course it is too late already. I struggled against these darker fantasies, thinking not that there was something wrong with me for wanting to be hurt, to be controlled, to serve… but thinking that there was something wrong with me for not being able to succeed in my relationships, for not being satisfied by what was within my grasp. It was a life that made me miserable and kept me lonely.

So. I continue. Content myself with what I am given as I absorb each new experience, explore each new opportunity, and wait to see what might come. One day I might find that perfect combination of things, realization to fantasies, the One who can find ways to satisfy the insatiable restlessness within me. Perhaps when I’ve become comfortable within myself and this role, learned how to be it instead of feeling I am playing at it. There is a fault line within me that requires a measure of misery to temper happiness into manageable contentment. Someday it will be healed and then I’ll be worthy, the fantasy can then be realized. Perhaps.

For now it is to live, to learn, to experience, to grow… to Become.