So I had a couple of days of insanity then scared myself into looking back and remembering that I needed to just take a moment to breathe.
I wanted to rush in and claim Him before anyone else could, before I could lose what I'd already begun to build up dreams about.
Then I realized... if someone is able to step in before things develop naturally to that point then it wasn't meant to be, right?
Calm is re-established.
Do I still Want? Fuck yes. I still fall asleep imagining how it would feel to do that curled up with his arms wrapped around me, to wake up with his voice murmuring in my ear, to feel his hands on me...
I really want to go and just sit on the beach at night, leaning against him, watching the stars and the waves without even necessarily having to talk.
I wanna walk through public places at his side and have people turn to admire the picture we make, because they Will... and they will Want.. and they can't have it.
But... I can breathe again. There's a fire, there's desire, but it isn't consuming me. Probably will the moment he's finally here, when he touches me the first time, I'll be lost again... But that I am completely okay with. It'll be a nice break from reality, getting lost in him...
It will happen, with time, patience... If its meant, it will.
I willingly made the suggestion to wait on a visit. My birthday is in a month, that gives more time to plan, to not be stressed about money, to spend a few days with the door locked and the world trapped outside.
It will be worth it, I have confidence in him. In myself, too.
Rushing can intensify the first moments of passion, but it can tends to skip past the things that make it more likely to actually last.
10 August, 2009
08 August, 2009
Wanting
I Want Him.
Touch, hands and lips moving over my skin slowly, exploring, memorizing, learning me. Whispers and murmurs that will later only be half remembered as an enhancement. The taste of salty skin on my tongue, of precum, of cum... but most of all the slight nicotine taste of his mouth as he kisses me. I want to smell the sweat and fluids as our bodies simmer deliciously higher as passion rises. I want to watch his eyes, see if they widen as he comes closer to that moment, or if they drift closed as he focuses on the pure sensation of it.
Most of all I want to feel that moment when he slides into me for the first time, slowly just in case its too much... a delicious inch by inch invasive claiming. Mine. Mine. Mine...
One more week. This time seven days from now he should be here, laying next to me in a hotel room, hopefully collapsed from mutual exhaustion as we lay back on the bed too tired to even reach for a drink of water for the all important re-hydration and next-go-round.
If he changes his mind about coming next weekend, I will walk away. I want him too badly to allow games to be played. In the short time we have been talking ourselves through the night and into sunrise, I've become attached to his voice, the way he talks to me, the things he says, the picture he paints for a potential future. I want it. But if he doesn't come, I will have to tell myself it was just a headgame and let it go.
It scares me a bit how badly I want him. Not just because its been a while since I've had something worth truly having. Not just because he offers so much potential for a future. Not even because he can make me squirm by murmuring of how he will taunt and tease me with our shared kinks. (Oh god, he likes knives.. at least as much as I do.. PLEASE let me at least have that before it goes away, if its not meant to last.)
I want to feel his lips brushing my ear as he whispers to me. Want to feel his hands move my hair aside as he rests them on my shoulders. I want to feel his body against me. Want to feel the rumble of his chest as he laughs next to me in darkness. Want to wake up with his hands on me. Want to curl up safe and warm beside him.
I want him to write a song for me, something drenched in passion that will arouse anyone who hears it or reads the lyrics.
I want it all, not just the sex (but yes please, that too) all of it. Him. I want to be completely uncautious and dive into him head first with no worries about how long it might last. I want to ignore everything I've ever said about people jumping into relationships with someone they met on the internet... while also telling myself that we sort of met once several years ago through a mutual friend. That way I can justify it to those friends I have mocked or bullied into being careful about someone they fell for online.
I tell myself its different because his best friend is a man that I love and trust with all my heart, and HE says that we should go for it.
If it were a viable option, I would pack up all my things and go home with him when he visits. Now, without waiting, without being smart. No taking time to save up money so I have a stash just in case I have to run again. No taking time to try and reassure myself that he isn't going to be crazy or a bastard. Nothing, just pack up and go knowing that I would be in his bed every night. Be with him.
I can't hold myself back, pretend not to want, not to feel. I willingly admitted (though in part I blame the honey mead I was drinking the night of those text messages) that I was falling and since then... I can't stop thinking, wishing, hoping, dreaming. Its a line that I never let myself cross, no promises before a certain point. Until then I had refused to even say that I wanted anything but the sex, though he teased me about knowing that I wanted so much more. Even though he insisted that he was falling, I couldn't say it, not allowed. Then I did and now my thoughts won't stop spinning round and round the idea of having him. Mine.
I tried to hold back, tried. Even went to friends who had reason to dislike him and asked them about him... but none of their stories phased me. Because even though some were bad, he was up front about them all. Nobody has been able to tell me anything that he wasn't open about, or wasn't willing to discuss when I asked him later. It only makes me want him more.
Its insane, illogical, possibly even stupid.
But I want it.
He could destroy me by taking that all away, or by not being the person he presents himself as. Has too much of me already. I feel connected, something that never happens because I don't know HOW to connect to people.
I'm spun into knots inside my head. Craving, Wanting, Needing, fearing... I feel pathetic for being so hung up on someone I've never been face to face with... but at the same time, can't help it. I've been in this place before, exactly this place, except with men I already knew in person and wanted to be with.
I don't want to sleep because he hasn't called to say goodnight.
Touch, hands and lips moving over my skin slowly, exploring, memorizing, learning me. Whispers and murmurs that will later only be half remembered as an enhancement. The taste of salty skin on my tongue, of precum, of cum... but most of all the slight nicotine taste of his mouth as he kisses me. I want to smell the sweat and fluids as our bodies simmer deliciously higher as passion rises. I want to watch his eyes, see if they widen as he comes closer to that moment, or if they drift closed as he focuses on the pure sensation of it.
Most of all I want to feel that moment when he slides into me for the first time, slowly just in case its too much... a delicious inch by inch invasive claiming. Mine. Mine. Mine...
One more week. This time seven days from now he should be here, laying next to me in a hotel room, hopefully collapsed from mutual exhaustion as we lay back on the bed too tired to even reach for a drink of water for the all important re-hydration and next-go-round.
If he changes his mind about coming next weekend, I will walk away. I want him too badly to allow games to be played. In the short time we have been talking ourselves through the night and into sunrise, I've become attached to his voice, the way he talks to me, the things he says, the picture he paints for a potential future. I want it. But if he doesn't come, I will have to tell myself it was just a headgame and let it go.
It scares me a bit how badly I want him. Not just because its been a while since I've had something worth truly having. Not just because he offers so much potential for a future. Not even because he can make me squirm by murmuring of how he will taunt and tease me with our shared kinks. (Oh god, he likes knives.. at least as much as I do.. PLEASE let me at least have that before it goes away, if its not meant to last.)
I want to feel his lips brushing my ear as he whispers to me. Want to feel his hands move my hair aside as he rests them on my shoulders. I want to feel his body against me. Want to feel the rumble of his chest as he laughs next to me in darkness. Want to wake up with his hands on me. Want to curl up safe and warm beside him.
I want him to write a song for me, something drenched in passion that will arouse anyone who hears it or reads the lyrics.
I want it all, not just the sex (but yes please, that too) all of it. Him. I want to be completely uncautious and dive into him head first with no worries about how long it might last. I want to ignore everything I've ever said about people jumping into relationships with someone they met on the internet... while also telling myself that we sort of met once several years ago through a mutual friend. That way I can justify it to those friends I have mocked or bullied into being careful about someone they fell for online.
I tell myself its different because his best friend is a man that I love and trust with all my heart, and HE says that we should go for it.
If it were a viable option, I would pack up all my things and go home with him when he visits. Now, without waiting, without being smart. No taking time to save up money so I have a stash just in case I have to run again. No taking time to try and reassure myself that he isn't going to be crazy or a bastard. Nothing, just pack up and go knowing that I would be in his bed every night. Be with him.
I can't hold myself back, pretend not to want, not to feel. I willingly admitted (though in part I blame the honey mead I was drinking the night of those text messages) that I was falling and since then... I can't stop thinking, wishing, hoping, dreaming. Its a line that I never let myself cross, no promises before a certain point. Until then I had refused to even say that I wanted anything but the sex, though he teased me about knowing that I wanted so much more. Even though he insisted that he was falling, I couldn't say it, not allowed. Then I did and now my thoughts won't stop spinning round and round the idea of having him. Mine.
I tried to hold back, tried. Even went to friends who had reason to dislike him and asked them about him... but none of their stories phased me. Because even though some were bad, he was up front about them all. Nobody has been able to tell me anything that he wasn't open about, or wasn't willing to discuss when I asked him later. It only makes me want him more.
Its insane, illogical, possibly even stupid.
But I want it.
He could destroy me by taking that all away, or by not being the person he presents himself as. Has too much of me already. I feel connected, something that never happens because I don't know HOW to connect to people.
I'm spun into knots inside my head. Craving, Wanting, Needing, fearing... I feel pathetic for being so hung up on someone I've never been face to face with... but at the same time, can't help it. I've been in this place before, exactly this place, except with men I already knew in person and wanted to be with.
I don't want to sleep because he hasn't called to say goodnight.
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