Dwelling, for a moment

I both love and hate sex. Crave it and want nothing to do with it. I pine for physical contact, someone to curl up and snuggle with, but don't see a point in trying when in the end they won't want to keep me. I'm the Ms Right Now, the one that fills the time between now and when someone comes along that they actually want to be with. Whats the point in setting myself up for that heartbreak over and over?

Still no visit from the one who said so many beautiful things about wanting to be with me, building pipe dreams... He doesn't even talk to me anymore, I moved his name on my IM into a list that I keep closed, so I won't see that he's on and not talking to me. I used to save all of his text messages where he would say he missed me or loved me... Finally deleted them all, his pictures, even his number so I wouldn't be tempted to call or text. Considering how long it'd been since he'd responded to my messages, I doubt he'll even notice I've gone away. His facebook status changed to being in a relationship, he claimed it was an accident but hasn't changed it back. I can't bring myself to remove him, though. Just because he's so obviously lost interest doesn't mean we can't maybe eventually be friends again... I tell myself lies, see, make excuses to keep just a tiny sliver of hope... and I hate myself for being so pathetic.

Moving on, I refuse to wait for someone who won't even give me the time of day... so I look at other options, nothing feels right. It all falls apart.

There was one I spent time with, a friend who for over a year was telling me he missed me, cared about me, wanted to see me again. Married, but allowed to play... She showed up to surprise him and I ceased to exist. He hasn't spoken to me since. So much for that.

Another who, for fear of Drama, barely even looks at me when his female friend is around. Not a girlfriend, not an ex girlfriend, just a close friend who maybe wanted more at one point... so its a 'sneak around' scenario. When she's not in the room I exist, not otherwise. He lets the girl he "doesn't want" hug and kiss on him while rejecting the one he claims to want, where is this logic? I don't know how long I'll be okay with this, having to hide that there's even interest much less anything going on. I don't enjoy being anyone's dirty little secret. It makes me feel used.

There was one who showed a lot of interest, flirted, made comments... but backs off whenever I respond or show interest. I am not patient enough to play that game.

There's an adorable emo boy who likes me, but I would destroy him.

Others who pay attention when they want something but not otherwise, not worth my time. Again, it makes me feel used.

Having that ideal, thinking that I'd found someone... Put me in a headspace of wanting all that, commitment, relationship... Having it taken away again and I'm drifting, lost, and lonely as hell. Nothing that is within my grasp is what I want, everything feels empty.

This is me being angsty and emo. Fuck it.

Maybe its time to try being celibate for a while and see if that'll clear my head... but the idea makes me wonder if thats me secretly trying to wait for him, just in case he comes back... and I go back to feeling pathetic for missing him so damn much.

There is no winning here, no solution. Makes me feel helpless and hopeless and full of self-loathing.

Welcome to November, the month when my life always decides to fall apart for some reason, when I go a little crazy. When I'm the most lonely.