Well

3 months, still no visit. Worse, every time I offer an opportunity which would make it easier, more convenient, even cheaper... still doesn't happen. I've had the chance several times to travel to him, and he still blew it off... so. Space.

I'll do my thing, and if he decides to come then we'll see what happens from there. Otherwise? I despise the fact that I've allowed myself to put things on hold for this long. I could die of sexual frustration, heh... Maybe thats not possible, but still. I've turned down some offers, and am now in a situation where I have very few options left.

More than anything I'm craving contact... kisses... not necessarily more, though I wouldn't say no to some general cuddling and such. I'm starved for physical affection, let alone sex...

If it happens, if he comes back, okay. Otherwise? Life is still here to be lived. I did that without him before we started talking, don't see a reason to change that now.

Knowing me, I'll... pretend not to wait a bit longer, but at the same time see what I can do about keeping my options open.

I've been doing what I need to be doing to get things going in the direction that they seemed to be headed. The next step is being in the same place and seeing what follows naturally over the course of that visit. He's the one preventing it, not me... so its in his hands at this point.

I'm done with stressing, being miserable and lonely for the idea of a person who turns down or backs out of every opportunity to actually take that step. Maybe it was never more than just a game for him...

But if it doesn't happen? I can still hold onto that idea, because for a while it kept me warm and the butterflies danced whenever I thought of him being that person.


You could've been the real one
You could've been the one enough for me
You could've been the free one
(the broken down and sick one)
Remnant of a vacant life
Seether - FMLYHM


Still could be, but I'm not holding my breath. I feel relatively sane again.