Crippling Insecurities

There are moments when I fully doubt that this Lifestyle is the right place for me and whether I truly belong. Moments of insecurity as I struggle to understand what is expected of me, how I should serve, what makes me an actual sub instead of just some stupid girl playing a foolish game with herself. I rage at the idea of my Limits being pushed, feeling it some sort of ridiculously egotistical exercise designed to denigrate. This game will break me, wound my spirit, shatter my heart… There beneath the layers of insecurity and confusion still lies the seed of a thing which brought me to this point. The desire to indulge those impulses and follow those many paths of potential which radiate outward from a hungry pulse of curiosity.

While I do rage and despise the idea of giving myself to someone who would wish to take myself away from me, I have this irresistible craving. I must find Him, that one to whom I would willingly and happily give away these things, because for Him I would do and give anything. How can I seethe at the masses while also seeking out one among them who might be able to draw me out of myself? It makes no sense, but it feels right. Confusing, bewildering, illogical, but there is a resonance that tells me it is true in spite of those other truths.

The insecurity eats at me, battling with the ever present and consuming need to do what is desired of me, to please. A silent internal war waging heart against spirit in continuous conflict over which will gain supremacy, which will guide my thought and action as the adventure continues? It is exhausting, and some days I don’t even know whether I should continue. That part of me which has always cut and run before things could get too intense, before the heart could engage and risk pain, before I could become invested enough in a thing to risk failure (because nothing is more devastating than failing at something that matters so damn much)… A presence in the back of my mind saying perhaps I should turn away, go back to that other life before its too late.

Of course it is too late already. I struggled against these darker fantasies, thinking not that there was something wrong with me for wanting to be hurt, to be controlled, to serve… but thinking that there was something wrong with me for not being able to succeed in my relationships, for not being satisfied by what was within my grasp. It was a life that made me miserable and kept me lonely.

So. I continue. Content myself with what I am given as I absorb each new experience, explore each new opportunity, and wait to see what might come. One day I might find that perfect combination of things, realization to fantasies, the One who can find ways to satisfy the insatiable restlessness within me. Perhaps when I’ve become comfortable within myself and this role, learned how to be it instead of feeling I am playing at it. There is a fault line within me that requires a measure of misery to temper happiness into manageable contentment. Someday it will be healed and then I’ll be worthy, the fantasy can then be realized. Perhaps.

For now it is to live, to learn, to experience, to grow… to Become.