D/s Musings

Why is it that every guy I find who claims to be Dominant either turns out to be a switch who wants me to Dom for him... or just never follows through, effectively proving himself All Talk. Why is it that so many people can't understand the concept of me being a person who simply cannot Dom? Socially, yes, because I don't put up with shit and I don't waste time with polite lies... but privately, I have no interest in taking control and to be completely honest I'm not even comfortable giving orders (unless they're flat out doing something wrong, of course). Having to be socially dominant is something that I hate doing, but being someone who prefers to be Alpha Female.. its unavoidable.

Having to be sexually dominant is just... 1) it holds no interest or attraction for me, I get nothing out of it, plus I feel awkward and downright uncomfortable when someone tries to talk me into it... 2) When forced or guilted (which is more common) to take the role, my antipathy for playing the part is such that I find myself losing all respect for and attraction to the person. Yes, some compromise is necessary for a healthy relationship, but some people have boundaries and limits that they cannot change even for someone they truly care about. Telling me that I have to learn how to take the role will only make me angry.

I don't think there's any direct correlation, but to me... Its like saying that even though I hate the mess and discomfort of period sex (yeah, lets shove something up there while it already feels like a porcupine is doing the disco!) and am turned off to the point of being mildly disgusted/nauseated at the idea of anal sex (me participating, I could care less what others enjoy)... I should do those things just because my partner is turned on by them. I don't know what sense that makes except that to me it seems unreasonable to expect someone to do something they are completely turned off by. Now, if it were something that I was curious, or slightly interested in, of course. But otherwise? If my partner was patently uninterested in something, I wouldn't ask or expect them to do it. For example, yes... I'm a bit of a gasper. Not to the point of actually wanting to be choked out, and I'm not likely to try hanging myself any time soon... but the pressure of a palm against my throat at the right moment is enough to just send me over.

I've thought a lot, long and hard even, trying to understand why it is that I'm so opposed to playing the dom. People keep telling me that even as a good sub, I'd be willing to do it to make my other happy... but it just doesn't' work like that for me.

Last night I had a couple of conversations that helped me understand.

One was with a guy that I've known for over 10 years now, who I know has always been interested... and who I'd always thought of as someone I could go to eventually... That I could trust and would eventually go to... Until he told me that he's now realized that he's also submissive. Which came as a shock until I thought about it. Really, he's very like me in that everyone assumes he'd be dominant because he tends to be an imposing and even intimidating figure publicly. So why couldn't he, like I, prefer to take the opposite role in private?

Anyway, it was part of a long string of disappointments in that area. Every time I've found someone who says that they're dominant... one of 3 things will happen. 1, the most common. They turn out to be a switch and want me to be as well. 2, They simply fail to follow through. Or 3, my least favorite... They want to immediately jump into ordering me around without taking time to get to know me, my limits and boundaries, or earn my trust.

The second conversation I had last night was more vague, and just sort of accidentally led to a realization. I could probably Dom a woman, and get into it as things progressed... Yet still not a man, and why? Because. I want my men to be Manly and my women to be Feminine.

And there it is. My men have to be confident and assertive, willing to go for what they want... I'm simply not attracted to or interested in the ones who can't be that way. I can't handle “puppy dog” types who just want to follow me around and do whatever I say. I cannot respect a man who won't debate, or even argue with me occasionally. I am not attracted to someone who can't be assertive and confident, who won't occasionally pin me to a wall without warning and kiss me senseless... **GRIN**

Conversely, I cannot stand a man who is overconfident or demanding. And while I like my women to be somewhat feminine, I don't really get along with the Really feminine types. I don't wear makeup, I don't get the point of fashion.

So, I'm catch 22... but I'm used to that :)