Frustraion and Irritation

Here's the thing. I am most often viewed as a socially dominant, aggressive, intimidating woman. In part because I'm designed of amazonian proportions, except luckily I get to keep both breasts because I'm useless with a bow :).

I'll admit, once I find my feet in a new group, I tend to go Alpha Female. I'm the social chameleon who changes spots to stripes as necessary to fit in and gain acceptance. I've been known to infiltrate cliques just to see if I could shift the dynamic away from someone I didn't particularly like.

There's this misconception that someone who appears as socially dominant must be dominant in other ways as well. I'm guilty of it as well, viewing Arrogance as a reflection of a Dominant nature, its the most likely thing to attract me. Even though I know from experience that this may be completely wrong, that this publicly aggressive person may prefer to shed that mask within the confines of a bedroom or relationship.

Its frustrating, disheartening even. I keep attracting these men who want me to take control, where in all actuality I'm a girl who doesn't even like making decisions for herself... much less anyone else. I've been guilt tripped and bullied into taking on the role and I despise it. I'm not into humiliation and degradation, but force me into a role I don't want and it comes naturally... and makes me despise myself almost as much as I despise you for making me do it. Its the kiss of death to any relationship.

As far as concerns partners (caveat, so that I don't offend those subbie males and such of my acquaintance!)... I find that I cannot love my lover if he insists on casting me into the role of Domme. My attraction for him fades, my interest in him disappears. I lose all respect for him because to me... it makes me view him as less of a man.

I require a man who is capable of being aggressive, demanding, DOMINANT... when I am around an arrogant, aggressive type of man I find that I crave him. I want to be near him, to hear his voice, to see his smile. Make him smile. I want to do little things like fetch him drinks, curl up at his feet and listen to him tell stories or just watch him. I want to be within reach so that he can reach out and touch my hair, settle his hand onto the back of my neck. I want to sit quietly as he caresses my throat, pets my hair, and talks to his friends. I want to go to restaurants and when I cannot decide what I want, be able to tell him what I am considering so that he can tell me what to order.

But I can live without those things if he will at least take the initiative sexually. Tell me that he wants me, tell me that we're going to the bedroom now... grab me and pin me to a wall... Anything, so long as it leaves no room for doubt about his desire and affection for me.

A man who cannot do at least that for me, I can't help but view him as weak. Pathetic, even. I feel as much affection toward him as I do my vibrator, which is to say... I begin to consider him a temporary accessory to be used until I find something that better suits my tastes. Batteries are cheap, that type of man is a dime a dozen.

I think I've watched too many John Wayne movies...