More D/s Musings

Years ago, I had a not-thing with this guy. Most weekends I'd end up snuggled up on his couch watching a movie that we would eventually forget about while we fooled around, I'd end up going down on him, and afterward we'd go back to watching tv.
I was perfectly happy with this situation because I enjoyed the circumstances, enjoyed the small ways he would give me instructions or occasionally even orders, enjoyed the way he would hold me afterward and pet my hair.

This lasted for almost 2 years, and very few people knew about it, that was part of the fun.

My favorite part was that he would hold my hand while I slept.

This not-thing was also part of what made me think that I was the submissive type, because I took so much pleasure from the mere fact that I was giving HIM pleasure. We never had sex, I never asked, or even wanted to. All I wanted was to be allowed to please him, after a while it got to the point where would have cravings for the taste of him. I never had any thought of or desire for orgasms, it was the sensation of being aroused that brought me pleasure... Its the same still, I prefer arousal to orgasm, the knowledge that I am the reason that my partner is enjoying themself. I enjoy the slow fade of coming down after being turned on, I enjoy it more than the big bang of actually getting off. It is only... well, not quite rarely, but still not often... that I feel the actual desire to climax, instead preferring to stop just short of that point. Far better the tension of being just shy of that point, then slowly finding my way back to calm again.

I only sometimes enjoy oral sex (receiving, I love to give), generally when my partner understands that this is part of foreplay. Most men basically try to force an orgasm out of me, getting impatient and frustrated, taking it personally, not understanding that it is my preference and not some failing on their part. Because of this, I get bored. I refuse to fake it, its pointless... why reinforce their misunderstanding? Maybe I'm not the only woman that is like this, but for all intents and purposes during the moments of our interaction... I should be, shouldn't I? They claim the attempts to give me orgasms against my will ("You just need someone who can do it right, that's all!") are because they want Me to feel good, yet they can't be bothered to pay attention to what DOES make me feel good. Trust me, if I want it... I'll ask for it.

I could never give up men because, not being into oral or caring about orgasms, I don't think I'd be able to adequately please a woman... hence, I've never traveled below the belt. I tried once, fingering a girl... I had somehow not yet discovered what the clit was for, so my entire attempt involved me sticking my thumb inside and wiggling it around. I didn't realize until years later how stupid that was, and I still have to resist the urge to apologize to the girl in question because ohmygod what was I thinking? I can't think it was all that pleasant, and I'm not surprised that things never progressed to that point again. However, because of this, I've yet to find a courage to experiment further. They say that only a woman can truly know how to please another woman, as she knows from personal experience what works. But thats far from true. 1) not being interested in orgasms, I doubt I'd have the slightest clue how to go about giving them. and 2) What about that whole thing where everyone has different preferences and such? Hmm? anyway, I feel like a fraud when I say I'm bisexual. I admire women, I find them attractive, I'm attracted to and aroused by them... But I don't know that I'll ever have sex with one because I'd be too embarrassed to explain my shyness when it comes to things below the equator. So that makes me one of those bi girls I despise, the ones who make out with other girls in public because it turns guys on.

Supposedly I should be frigid, since I don't care about orgasms... But I'm actually a bit of a nympho. I want sex, I enjoy sex. I enjoy the fact that my partner is enjoying sex. It all makes perfect sense to me. But apparently it would make me a bad sub, because part of the Dom's job is to give the sub pleasure, get them off. But... there's got to be more than one type of sub. I mean, there is, there are dozens of types. All the varieties of 24/7 subs that range from the housewife who keeps Sir's house clean and waits for him to come home so that she can please him... to the pony girl who wears long skirts in public to hide the crop sticking out of her ass. There's the subs who want to be beaten and abused, the ones who even enjoy being flat out degraded, the ones who live for the opportunity to service their masters... Or the casual sub who plays once a week on date night, or occasionally surprises their partner by bringing out the kit and asking to be tied up.

Me, I fall somewhere in the low range, I think. And yeah, that could be because I haven't experienced anything to know what I like yet... But I have a general idea, what sorts of things interest me. I definately don't want to be degraded or beaten, I won't do as I'm told if its something I'm not interested in doing. I won't use a safe word because I believe that No, in all situations, should be accepted as meaning NO. (Single exception, rape play... But thats something that should only be done with a partner who knows you well enough to be certain of your limits and boundaries.) The idea of spanking doesn't appeal to me, but being flogged across the back... Knife play, done right, absolutely... But I'd only accept being tied up if it was rigged in a way that meant I could escape easily, and my single incident with the law was enough to prove I'm not as into handcuffs as I thought I might be. Being ordered around appeals as a game, not as a lifestyle (In the Secretary "You may have 4 peas" and her giggling as she complies... but not in a situation where I'm genuinely meant to obey or face punishment). The idea of being punished for naughtiness, yes. The idea of being punished for correction? No.

I enjoy seeing the marks, being bitten, scratched, bruised... but never beaten, pain is enjoyable only to a certain level. I want to feel hands pressing against my throat, but not wrapped around it. I want to find that moment where the darkness begins to rush inward and the world becomes static, then quickly clears away again... I do not want to lose consciousness, or be in danger of actual choking. Spanking, no. Slap on the ass, yes. And never, under any circumstances, even if they're sure I might like it once it happens, anything remotely Anal related. I want to play with toys, go out in public wearing a vibrator contraption with my partner in control of the remote, but not in embarrassing situations. Crowded nightclub or bar, Absolutely. Quiet restaurant, not a chance. I want to enjoy the surprise of the toy being switched on, not worry about whether anyone else can hear it. And I don't want to be made to orgasm in public, or in front of people. I just want to go through the evening in a constant state of arousal, knowing that when we are alone... things will get truly interesting. Anticipation building until that moment when the door closes, the lock turns, and a trail of clothing is left behind in search of the couch, chair, or appropriate surface. I'll wear what clothing I'm told to, but only if its something I'm comfortable in. And DDD Breasts do not go out in public without a bra, I'm simply not comfortable with it. I'll wear a short skirt and a thong in case there's opportunity to find a dark, secluded area to play in... But I will not expose myself in front of strangers.

The idea of kneeling beside my master's chair, being petted or having my hair played with, allowed to lean my head against his thigh... and being told to fetch drinks or do small tasks, absolutely. The idea of sitting naked in the dark, blindfolded, waiting or my orders? Mildly. The idea of following a step behind, eyes kept downcast, existing only for the moments when orders are given? Not so much, not as more than a game. The idea of being woken in the middle of the night to pleasure my partner, or interrupted at some mundane task to go to the bedroom, oh very yes.... But the idea of being interrupted when I'm busy with something, ordered onto my knees and expected to perform, not so much. Being a slave? No. Living and waiting for the moment when I'm wanted? Fuck no, I've done that most of my life and it hasn't been a pleasant experience. The idea of being pinned to the wall and kissed thoroughly? Oh gods yes... (There is still a man I wish I had said yes to in those circumstances, but I never thought he'd have done it if he'd been sober at the time... Damn my occasional morals...).

I want to be wanted, to be reminded that I'm wanted. I want someone to be tender and gentle and loving. I want to be worshiped, but not fawned over. I want someone to do things for me because they know it pleases me, of their own volition otherwise it is meaningless. I want to be the one that pleases them, because I'm the one they want, and because they understand that doing so pleases me. I want to be known, physically and otherwise, my limits and boundaries tested and carefully expanded. At my pace. I want there to be a hint of a request when an order is given, and an alternate option given on those occasions that I refuse. When I do something wrong, I want to be taught rather than reprimanded. When I want to speak, I want to be listened to, heard... And I want to listen raptly as my partner speaks, even if it continues for hours on end... But I will not be lectured, bullied, or told that my way is wrong or that it is not good enough. I want to explore things at my pace, in privacy so that I can work through the shyness of learning something new. I want to be asked for my preferences and opinions, and told or ordered only to do those things that my partner knows for a certainty that I will want to do. I want to go only so far, because beyond that point I begin to feel used, resentful, and ultimately betrayed.

I want to play, not be used.

Some say that because I have limits, things I will not do, some that I will under no circumstances even consider... I'm not a sub, I'm too opinionated, too independent. I say, maybe I'm a challenge and an adventure, an exploration in possibilities and potential. Maybe, like being bisexual, I'm a fraud who just likes to be seen as a sub... Kneel at the feet of someone who will tell me to fetch a beer. I say? If you feel that way, you're obviously not meant to be the one who tames me.